Widowhood

A Widows Morning Meditation: Let Grief Out

My slogan in life since Jordan’s death has been, “Only do what makes you happy.” 

So that justifies ignoring the fact that my toddler is ready to potty train right?

And that stack of laundry that needs to be folded and the dishes too, because they for sure don’t make me happy. 

It’s been a year and a half since that day my life flipped upside down and things are mostly settled.  

It’s funny though how grief can sneak up on you.  

I was doing yoga this morning, and in the midst of a downward dog, I found myself facing our family photos on the wall.  

I keep the pictures up and they usually don’t bother me, but I also don’t spend a lot of time really looking at them.  

However, with them being the only thing I could put my attention on in my state up upside-downness. 

I found myself staring right at him.  His perfect smile, those brown eyes that look just like Emmett’s and I started to feel the anger boil up. 

“I can’t believe you died you dick!” Came flying out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying. 

“You weren’t supposed to leave me.  I need you and you fucking left me.”

This is hard to yell while in a downward dog so I moved on to the next pose and regained my composure. 

I finished the practice out of breath but feeling much better.  

Sometimes grief just sneaks up on you and it’s best to let it out.

Of course, make sure your kids are out of the room while you crazily yell at your dead husbands’ photos about what a dick he is, but you know.  Let it out. 

 

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