The holidays bring traditions, memories, and the pressure to continue everything on after a loved one dies.

When you lose your spouse, the person you built your entire life and family with, everything is hard.

But oh, the holidays. They are their own special kind of hard.

Fall kicks off a difficult lineup of event after event.  

• First day of school
• Kids’ birthdays
• Halloween
• Veterans Day
• Our wedding anniversary
• Thanksgiving
• School programs
• Christmas

So many traditions and memories. So much work keeping it all going.

Last year, I was only a few months into widowhood when all of these things started to hit one after another. I was in survival mode. Doing whatever task was right in front of me, just trying to keep my grieving head above water.

I did most things as close as I could to how we did them before Adam died, so that the holidays, as awful as they were without him, felt a little normal to my children.

We always cut down a live Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving. Somehow, I kept it all up last year.

Felt like I had to.

But by the end of Christmas our tree was dry and withered. When I pulled off each strand of Christmas lights literally every needle on the branch came with it.

It was difficult for the kids and I to wrangle that tree out of the house and it left a huge mess behind. We all agreed right then to do a fake tree next year.

I ordered one immediately in an after-Christmas sale. We never took it out of the box.

We’re talking about it now though. I’ve cleared a spot for it.

We plan to pull it out and set it up before Thanksgiving this year.

It will be different, but perhaps a little more manageable.

I cannot do what two people did before.

I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier.